Though I had my doubts earlier, it was during my teenage years that I became convinced that my mother was partial to my younger brother Rahul.  Once this fact was established in my mind, it  became my pet peeve and a closely guarded secret. 

 

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Rahul is my only sibling and is quite a lovable guy. I am fond of him and he totally looks up to me. But still I resent the feeling that mamma favours him over me. Aren't mothers supposed to love all her children equally?  Then why does she favour Rahul when I am undoubtedly smarter and more responsible of the two. It irritates me to no end that mamma is so adept at highlighting every shortcoming of mine and broadcasting them to the world. In fact, when it comes to me, she has eyes even at the back of her head and when it comes to Rahul, she wears blinkers.

 

I can substantiate this fact with several examples. I am tidy and organized and never let my books and clothes lying around our house. I make my bed every morning. Sometimes when I am in a hurry to get to school I may cram some books in the drawer and clothes into the cupboard to leave my room looking tidy.

 

Then one day I overhear Jaya aunty complaining to mom about her children and teenagers these days being so messy etc and mom pipes in.

 

" Ronu always says he tidies his room, but I open his cupboard and a whole pile of clothes fall on my feet. His cricket bat almost fractured my toe". Then she rolled her eyes and laughed loudly!

 

Not a word was said about Rahul's room that  looked as if a typhoon hit it every single day.   

 

She also remembers every incident from the day I was born that made me look like a fool and shares them with friends and relatives  at every opportunity.  When I protest, she would say,

 

After school,  l go out to play everyday.  I believe that  'healthy mind,healthy body' theory.  In contrast, Rahul likes to plop in front of the TV and snack till supper time. No wonder he is over weight.  Once I told him he was fat and mamma scolded me.

 

"He is not fat, he is healthy. Boys at this age need to eat lots and in a year or two, his fat will become muscles. Rahul loves his mamma's food.  He is not picky like you."            

 

When I get good marks in school, all she has to say is something like;

 

"You are lucky that god gave you good brains. Don't you forget that.  Remember to say your prayers every day '.   As if I had no part in my achievement.

 

Rahul manages to barely pass and she would make excuses for him.  If I suggest that he should work harder, she would say;

 

"Beta, don't discourage him. Everyone can't have same brains. Why don't you stop wasting time playing outside in the evening and help your brother with his maths?"

 

I wanted to join karate classes, but mom insisted that  we could not afford it.  Soon after that she forced Rahul into an expensive tutorial class.

 

I don't think I can ever hope to win her approval. I may as well stop trying. 

 

 The above was an excerpt from a diary entry I made in my early teens. Soon after that I got busy with my board exams and lost interest in my diary. Later I got admission to engineering college in another city and left home.  I worked hard, graduated with credits and, got a dream job which I left after a couple of years to pursue the American Dream.  So many achievements kept me satisfied that I stopped worrying about my mother's partialily.  That is not totally true. It did bother me now and then and I wondered how it came about in spite of my effort to always do the right thing.  As years passed I just got more convinced that  she continued to be unimpressed by my achievements.  Rahul makes up to me for that with his open admiration. For him, I am the epitome of success and achievement.  He did manage to complete his degree after a couple of attempts and is working as a sales representative in a pharmaceutical company.  I did suggest to him that down the line I could apply for a visa for him to emigrate, but he brushed it off with his usual lack of ambition saying that someone would have to be near mom too.  That did make sense. Mom had sounded ecstatic when she wrote to let me know that Rahul had got a job.

 

What brought all this to my mind  was another ecstatic phone call I got from mom this morning announcing that Rahul's marriage has been fixed. The girl was from our own town, a relative of a friend of mom's. " A simple homely girl" is how mom described her, not in the "American" sense, but as if those were the most desirable virtues in a bride.  

 

"You refuse to settle down with a good girl. So I am glad at Ieast one of you showed some sense." She gushed.

 

"Can he afford to get married?" I asked.

 

"Oh, he is leaving his job and taking up another one near here. Little less money, but at least he can stay home."   She said.

 

Though I refused to feel guilty about living so far from her, I did feel relieved that she will not be so alone when Rahul goes to live with her.  But I still could not shake off the feeling I somehow let her down though all these years I was convincing myself it was the other way round. That is probably what made me spill out all my thoughts to Meera this afternoon. I  was surprised when I was done as it was the first time I talked to anyone about this and moreover I have not been dating her for that long a time either.  I was not even considering a long time relationship with her.  I met her at the gym where we both were regulars.  What I liked most about her was that she was very laid back and undemanding and today I learned that she was a good listener too.

 

After she listened to my tirade, she gave me her own thoughts on my complicated love-hate relationship with my mom.

 

According to her, my mother always realized my potential and capabilities and was indeed very proud of me, but did not  want to jinx me by putting it in words. Mamma had no doubt I would make it even without constant praise and encouragement and she also did not want to risk making me over confident.  Among her offsprings, she instinctively knew who was the weaker one and who needed her more.

 

I looked at her in amazement.  What she said did make some sense. I literally started seeing her in a new light. The late afternoon sunlight was streaming through the glass window of my apartment covering her with a luminiscent aura.  She was stretched on the sofa. My eyes took in her bare shoulders, her firm midriff and fluted thighs.

 

"Would  you like to come with me to India to attend Rahul's wedding?"  I asked her.

 

She turned to me in surprise. "Wow, that is an interesting idea!  But what brought that on?"         

 

I joined her on the sofa and pulled her to me. "Please say yes", I whispered.  The setting sun cast a rosy hue on us.

 

"I  feel like doing something impulsive for a change.  I just learned that it is not important to be doing the right thing all the time."

 

It was an afternoon to remember.