End Of The Road
Bhama sat at the edge of her bed in stunned silence. Though it was a sweltry summer day, she felt a deep chill that made her shiver uncontrollably and set her teeth clattering. The lump lodged in her throat was getting larger, almost suffocating her. Her heart felt as if it was being torn to shreds by sharp shards of glass. Each breath made her gasp with pain as waves of hopelessness washed over her.
Her husband of forty years was no more! Just a couple of hours back, she had fed him breakfast and settled him in his wheel chair on the veranda. It was a beautiful, sunny morning and the atmosphere felt cleansed after many days of rain. She knew that he loved to be outdoors. She would have loved to stay with him and take in the sights of the street below that was just coming alive in the early morning hour. But she had to make breakfast for the rest of the family and help their two grandchildren get ready for school. The school bus picked them up from front of the apartment building and soon after that her son and daughter in law would leave for their work. Only then Bhama would be able to join her husband on the veranda and enjoy a second cup of coffee together.
Children left for school as usual and Bhama was clearing the kitchen when the commotion started. She heard loud voices and people were rushing in and out of the house and the next thing she knew, her daughter in law was gently leading her to the bedroom. She made her sit on the bed and told her that there was an accident and that father had fallen down over the railings of their fifth floor balcony below and that he was no more!
There had to be a mistake, she thought. This had to be some kind of bad joke. How can he fall down.......he was partially paralized and could hardly get out of the wheel chair without help. How can he pull himself up and over the balcony railing? That was impossible!
She voiced her thoughts, but her daughter in law Punam just sat there shaking her head and saying, "It was an accident," as if that explained it.
Bhama felt hysteria rising from within the pit of her stomach. She broke into convulsive sobs as her whole body rocked to and fro. She pushed Punam aside and rushed out of the room. The sitting area was full of people. Her eyes searched the room till she saw her son talking to some official looking people.
"Raju, where is your father? I want to see him," she cried.
"It was an accident, Amma," he said. "Father is no more. The body has been taken for post mortem. They will release it this afternoon."
Bhama looked at him with wild eyes filled with pain. She gulped down the sobs that were rising from deep within her, but could not control the wail that broke out from her throat. She was vaguely conscious of someone's hand on her elbow, leading her back to the bed room. She sat on her bed and looked around the small bed room she shared with her husband for the past six months, ever since they sold their house in Kerala and moved in with their only son in Mumbai.
She felt his presence all around her and remembered his unhappiness at being cooped up in this room. Her thoughts went back to their own home which was nothing more than a one room hut with a thatched roof when Krishnan first took her there as his bride. After a year, their son was born in that very room. Later on, they had added three more rooms and a veranda and also a tiled roof. They both worked tirelessly on the ten cent plot on which their house stood, planting fruit trees and vegetables. Their hard work paid off and coconut trees and also jack fruit, mango, drum stick, bread fruit, all flourished and bore fruits. There were also banana plants, tapioca bushes and pepper vines. When Raju was growing up, they kept a couple of goats and he grew up strong and healthy on goat milk and home grown fruits and vegetables.
Krishnan was a man of few words. His manners were gruff, but Bhama knew more than anyone else that he had a heart of gold. His wife and son were his universe. They had lost a child - a girl - who was born when Raju was two and the sorrow of that loss only brought them closer. The focus of their life was their son.
Krishnan had a job as a driver in a factory in town and even when money was scarce, he made sure that Raju did not lack anything. The boy was good at studies and Krishnan could not have been prouder of his son. Having lost his own parents at a very young age, he did not have the good fortune to go beyond primary school. So he wanted to make sure that his son's education was not limited due to lack of funds. He worked two jobs when expenses rose and was overjoyed when Raju got a job in a big company in Mumbai soon after graduation.
Years rolled by and Krishnan and Bhama started talking about getting Raju married. They broached the topic to him during one of his yearly visits and that is when Raju told them about Punam whom he had met in Mumbai. She was working in company there and her parents lived in Delhi. Raju said that they were planning to get married within an year. Realization dawned on them that Raju had moved far away from them into a different world altogether. Bhama was confused and unhappy about this turn of events, but Krishnan patiently explained to her that if Raju and this girl really loved each other, everything would work out fine.
Soon after that, Krishnan retired from his job and directed all his energy to their plot of land. There was nothing he loved more than to work on the land. Whenever Bhama expressed disappointment that their only son was so far away and his wife and children did not even speak Malayalam, Krishnan would gently console her.
"Bhama, we have each other. That is what is important. Children don't belong to parents. Our job is just ot bring them up and once they are adults, they have to move on, explore new territories and build their own nests. Let them be happy doing what they want and we should be happy living our own lives."
Then it happened out of the blue, with no warning whatsoever. Krishnan was outside watering the newly planted banana saplings when he suffered a stroke. He had to be rushed to the hospital and was admitted in the ICU. Raju came over as soon as he heard the news and stayed by his father. But soon it was apparent that Krishnan would require extended hospitalization and Raju could not stay on indefinitely. So he decided to shift his father to a hospital in Mumbai. Krishnan had to spend several weeks there and when he recovered he had partial paralysis and it was in a wheel chair that he was moved to Raju's fifth floor apartment. A new, uncharted chapter in their life had begun.
Raju had always been reserved and though he took his duties as a son seriously, he hardly sat and talked to his parents. Punam of course had language problem and moreover she was too busy with her own work and children's studies and activities to spend time with her in-laws. In the beginning, Krishnan and Bhama both had problems coming to terms with their life there. Food, language, routine, all were so different from what they were used to.
As days went by, Bhama quickly learned the routine of the household and made herself useful in the kitchen and also in looking after children when they came back from school. But Krishnan could never get it out of his mind that they were being a burden to their son and daughter in law. He expressed his thoughts on this to his wife repeatedly.
"I can't imagine just sleeping, eating and drinking and living out of someone's expense. The moment you become a burden to others, your life has lost its purpose."
He had repeated this again just that morning.
Bhama had got annoyed and retorted.
"You are the one who used to talk all that philosophy. When a small set back happened to you, you start complaining. I don't see anything shameful about living off our own son."
He looked at her sadly. She realized that a few months back she would not have talked to him sharply like that. Was she also starting to treat him as if his opinions did not matter anymore? She thought guiltily.
"You call this a small set back?" Krishnan tapped his useless legs and asked her.
"For me this is the end of the road," he said.
She thought she saw a hint of tears in his eyes. Speechlessly she had left him on the balcony as she hurried to the kitchen to get breakfast ready.
Several questions crowded her mind.
In that moment of weakness did he make the decision to end it all? Could he have mustered all his lost strength for one last time and managed to stand up and hurl himself off the railings into the street below?
How could he have left her like that, without even a good bye? How could this man who did not have a single streak of selfishness in him commit this ultimate act of selfishness? Is that all their forty years of togetherness amounted to? Did he call out to her in his final moment and she just did not hear it?
Even as waves of pain washed over her, Bhama realized that she might never have answers for those questions.
© Sue Menon., all rights reserved.
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